NFL Week #10, Week 10 results agains the Spread, Week 11 picks

Only seven regular season games left for most teams. It's what makes the football season so intense is that only sixteen game are played. Each game carries such importance and ramifications for the season. A bad first half, barring miracles, usually dooms a team and gets the front office thinking about changes and the draft instead of looking forward to the playoffs. Just look at the hometown Texans. More on those bozos later.

New feature this week. I'm calling it the Vince Young Man-vagina Player of the Week not to be confused with the Joe Pisarcik/Carson Palmer Player of the Week. This week's winner in none other than the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. His man-vagina was hurting after losing to the Indianapolis Colts. Rumor has it that Big Ben told Peyton Manning that he had a bigger schlong. Much to Big Ben's dismay, Manning whipped it out and proved Big Ben wrong. No, not really. Big Ben was crying in the locker room after the game, allegedly. According to SI.com:

'You'll never hear me say 'I' anything, but I lost this game,'' said Roethlisberger, who appeared to be crying into a towel when reporters entered the locker room. ''I take it on myself. I let the guys down on offense and defense. It hurts, but we'll learn from it.''

For showing that his mangina hurt, Roethlisberger joins Vince Young in the formation of the very exclusive Society of Effeminate NFL Quarterbacks Club. Dick Vermeil has petitioned to join as an honorary member. Nancy Kerrigan has been invited to speak at the next meeting. The topic: How to Cry on National TV and Gain Sympathy.

Al Davis is showing once again that he is more than a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket. Angry Al wanted players cut since evidently he was done firing coaches for now. DeAngelo Hall fell victim to Palpatine's aggression. According to Pro Football Weekly, instead of the cut sending a message to the players to shape up or ship out, the players are demoralized and feel like management has already given up on the season.

The circus in Dallas continues. Now receiver Roy Williams is starting to bitch and moan that the Cowboys aren't getting him the ball. Come on, Roy! At least wait until Mr. Jessica Simpson gets back to start the crying. You've had old man Brad Johnson at quarterback. He can't get the ball past the offensive line. Maybe this is proving my theory wrong that you can't have to many Roy Williams on your team.

Now for players of the week.

First is the Joe Pisarcik/Carson Palmer Player of the Week. Every week I see what JaMarcus Russell's line looks like but he's injured this week. My next candidate was the Texan's quarterback Sage Rosenpenis. Then I saw Jake Delhomme's line. An incredible 7 for 27 passing with one TD and FOUR INTs. Goes to show how bad the Raiders are though. Delhomme lead the Panthers to victory over the Raiders despite his crappy output.

Player of the Week: Denver Broncos WR Eddie Royal. He went off for 164 yards on six receptions for a sick average of 27.3 yards including his 93 yard TD reception. Factoring out the 93 yarder he still averaged 14.2 yards per catch.

And now for the Texans. What an inept club they are. I was pretty pissed off after that game against the Ravens. Sage Seinfeld channeled his inner David Carr and was just pathetic. He threw for a career high 294 yards and a beautiful four interceptions. Two right into the waiting arms of Ray Lewis.

The first INT went into the lap of a defensive lineman. Owen Daniels was wide open at the back of the endzone and Rosenbomb just needed to lob the ball. Instead he throws a dart right to a defensive lineman. That was just a sign of things to come. Next I looked up to see if Ray Lewis looks anything like Andre Johnson. Despite the the two looking nothing alike, especially given the bright purple uniforms of the Ravens, Rosiepalms thought so and gave two passes to Lewis.

Once again, despite Seinfeld bringing his comedy act to the Texans QB spot, I have to put the loss smack dab on head coach Gary Kubiak. Rossenbomb has already shown that he has the David Schaub/Matt Carr turnover bug. His helicopter imitation at the end of the Colts game along with his turnovers in the Vikings game should have put the warning lights off in Kubiak's thick skull. Ball on the one yard line and he calls a pass. Rosencopter throws the INT.

I know the Ravens have the second toughest run defense but you still have to challenge them. The Texans have a reputation of being some what of a wimpy, soft team. It's why players like Jared Allen take cheap shots at Schaub. They know no retaliation is coming. WIth the ball on the one yard line, the Texans need at least attempt once or twice to show the Ravens some toughness and try and blow them off the line and score. Man up and show some gut and balls.

I'll gripe more about the defense some other time. Suffice it to say it's composed of Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans and nine other guys. Zack Diles was doing fine until he broke his leg on a NON-contact special teams drill. What phuking genius has a starting linebacker doing special team drills?


NFL Week 10 vs. the Spread results
This is my best week. EVAR. An incredible 10-1. The only blemish was the Dolphins not scoring enough to beat the spread (+8) against the Seahawks. Everything else broke my way. The Packers lost to the Vikings but they covered so I escaped that one with a with a win. Two notes to this week's results. First, I didn't get my picks in time to make a selection on the Browns-Broncos game. Second, I made no pick in the Steelers-Colts game. There was no line in the majority of the books. My policy is to use the line in the majority books are posting on FoxSports.com NFL odds.

NFL Week 11 vs. the Spread
Finally, I get started in time to pick a Thursday night game. All my picks are in bold.

Jets(+3.5) @ Patriots - This one is real tough. I'm going with the line and the Pats.

Broncos(-6.5) @Falcons - The Denver defense has been horrendous all season long. Matt Ryan and Michael Turner have been fueling the Falcons renaissance.

Raiders(+10.5) @Dolphins - I think the wheels are coming off the Oakland franchise. The Dolphins really aren't that potent though. I think the Raider players just don't care anymore. Dolphins

Ravens(+7) @Giants - I think the Giants win by more than seven given to the Ravens. Not that I don't think the Ravens are that bad. I think the Giants are that good.

Texans(+8) @Colts - I think the Texans are on the verge of mailing it in. Colts

Titans(-3) @ Jaguars - Only a -3 for the Titans? Haven't the bookmakers been watching this season? Didn't they notice Jake Delhomme's game last week? The Titan defense will be to much for the Jags. Titans

Bears @Packers - no line as of today. It opened at -4 Packers but Kyle Orton seems to have thrown a monkey wrench. The majority of books have no line and per Monkee Cage policy there is no selection.

Eagles(-9) @Bengals - The Bungles are back. Eagles

Saints(-5.5) @ Chiefs - I hate the Saints. I'm willing to take a hit on the record if it means the Saints lose. Saints

Lions(+14) @Panthers - Quarterback problems for an already rudderless team. Panthers

Vikings(+4) @Buccaneers - Snoozer of the week. Buccaneers

Rams(+6.5) @49ers - I take back calling the Vikes-Bucs game a snoozer. This is Snoozer of the Week. Who really cares? I still gotta make a pic. Uh 49ers

Cardinals(-3) @Seahawks - Cards have too much firepower for the 'hawks. Cardinals

Chargers(-5.5) @Steelers - Eh, that line is about right. Steelers

Cowboys(-1.5) @Redskins - Getting dangerously close to December when it almost becomes mandatory to pick against the Cowboys. I start early. Redskins

Browns(+5) @Bills - It's dangerous to pick against the Browns. Bills are in a free fall. Browns

NFL Week 1, Unkle Monkee vs. the Line

All is right in the world, despite the Texans loss, with the opening of 2008 NFL season. Herm Edwards still sucks, Matt Millen is still the worse general manager in football and the Texans fans on the message boards are a bunch of idiots.

First off my player of the week: Michael Turner, RB Atlanta. After being LaDainian Tomlison's back up since 2004, he cashed in big time with a multi year mega contract with the Falcons. I had my doubts if he was going to be the big name back capable of putting up big numbers but I took him in the second round of my fantasy league draft. For one week he paid off: 220 yards on 22 carries with 2 TDs.

Atlanta is trying to put the Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino debacles behind them. Turner will help them forget and it appears so will rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. While Ryan didn't put up eye popping numbers, he did throw for a touchdown on his first ever NFL pass. If Turner keeps running like he started, Ryan won't have to have big numbers. He'll just have to take care of the ball and throw enough to keep defenses honest.

Big rumor out of Tennessee is that Vince Young may have quit on the team in the fourth quarter. Alleged All-Universe (if you talk to UT fans) Young is under huge pressure in Tennessee. For all the local fans still pissed that the Texans passed on Young there just as many Titans fans pissed that the team passed on Jay Cutler. Cutler was a local hero playing at Vanderbilt University like Young was a local high school/UT hero here. The Titan fans have definitely turned on Young. He's been booed through out the preseason and this week when he came back on the field after an injury. I'm definitely of the opinion that Young doesn't have the arm for the NFL. Now I'm starting to think he doesn't have the mental make up to be in the NFL.
http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080908/SPORTS01/809080337/1027
Despite Young's lack of NFL success, the Titans find ways to win and that's mostly because of their strong defense. Also despite his lack of NFL success, writers like the Houston Chronicle's Rusty Tromboner (Richard Justice) and Jabba the McClain (John McClain) will continue to ride his jock. Look up "rusty trombone" if you don't know what it is. Justice earned the nickname from one of the UH message boards.

It may turnout to be a long season for the Pats now that Tom Brady is out for the year. I hate that he's out cause I'd like for nothing more than to see him continue to out play Peyton Manning.

It was good to see Donovan McNabb looking healthy again. He had a fantastic game against the St. Louis Cardinals. McNabb is one of my all time favorite players. I really hated watching him struggle the last two seasons. As much as I want fellow Houston Cougar Kevin Kolb to succeed in the NFL, I don't want it at the expense of McNabb.

This week's Joe Pisarcik Player of the Week is Carson Palmer. 10 completions on 25 attempts for 99 yards to go with one interception earns him this dubious distinction. Thanks to Palmer's performance and TJ Houshmenzedah's I lost my opening week in fantasy football by four points.

Finally the depressing thought of the week. The Houston Texans. I expected them to lose to Pittsburgh. I didn't expect them to get manhandled like red headed step children. The overall performance was pretty pathetic. The only player to show up was Mario Williams. He picked up where he left off last year with two sacks, a forced fumble and six solo tackles. My major concern for the Texans is the defense. The first teamers were pushed around all preseason and now in week one. I have a feeling defensive coordinator Richard Smith might not survive the season. Of course, I think he should have been let go during the 2006 season. I think the offense will be fine though.

I think the Texans will have a tough time against the Ravens this week but will somehow pull out a win.

Well, I've put in a solid three day work week. I am out of here until next Monday. Have a good one. It's an all football weekend for me. I'll be out at UH to watch them play Air Force and then to the Texans on Sunday.

Against the Line
I went 10-5 versus the Vegas line this week. I didn't include Thursday's opener since I posted after the fact.

Tom Brady's injury greatly affected the game against KC and the Pats failed to cover for me. Turner's big day against the Lions cost me another game. Seattle's flat out beating, Chicago's upset of Indy and the Begnals going Bungles against the Raven's round out my losses.

On the winning side of the ledger, I went against the line and took the underdogs with the Titans, Saints and Panthers.

I'll post this weeks picks on Friday. I'm just curious on how I'll do against the line for a whole season. I've never measured myself before.

Fearless Predictions for the Texans 2008 Season

Well not really a rant but my bold prediction for the Texans season. No rosed colored Kool-Aid drinking fan here. I'll save the Joe Pisarcik reference for opening day (that's a good sign that I can't think of one). And I can't fail to say how much I hate Herm Edwards and he's the worst coach in the league. And why the hell is Matt Millen still a GM?

Game 1 @ Pittsburgh - Another opening day loss for the Texans. The running duo of Willie Parker and rookie Rashard Mendenhall leave their footprints all over the defensive line. In turn it opens up the pass for Ben Roethlisberger and the WR tandem of Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. The offense puts up a spirited fight and is able to put some points up against an overrated Steelers defense but it won't be enough. Steelers win 35-24

Game 2 vs. Baltimore - Coming home bruised and battered, the Texans take frustrations out on the Ravens. The once vaunted Ravens defense isn't what it used to be. Matt Schaub is able to find Andre Johnson for a couple of TDs and Kevin Walters keeps making clutch receptions over the middle. The defense isn't able to pressure the Ravens offense but there really isn't
much to fear. Texans win 24-14.

Game 3 @ Tennessee - Vince Young continues to struggle early in the season but the Texans defense can't contain him. He makes just enough plays to keep the defense on the field and the running game tires out the Texans. The Texans offensive line is able to hold the tough Titan defensive line in check on the passing game but not able to open running lanes for Steve Slanton. Young and company keep the Texans offense off the field as the Titans win 17-10.

Game 4 @ Jacksonville - This is the unlikeliest and probably least known rivalries in the NFL. Basically cause no one outside of Houston or Jacksonville gives a rat's ass. Jacksonville is looking to make a big push and challenge for the division crown. It's early but it's a must win for the Jags to be able to keep up with the Colts and stay ahead of the Titans and Texans. Personal fouls are the story of the day and Anthony Weaver gets ejected. Jags win 28-24.

Game 5 vs. Indianapolis - The Texans limp home 1-3 and the sky is falling on the sports talk shows. Some idiots are calling for head coach Kubiak's head. The Texans defense once again is run all over by Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai. The Texans offensive line takes a step back and Schaub eaves the game hurt. Sage Rosefels comes in and sparks to offense to a touchdown but that's it. Colts win 42-17.

Game 6 vs. Miami - The Dolphins roll into town and it's just what the doctor ordered. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown start off strong early but the defense stiffens and holds Miami out of the endzone for most of the game. Matt Schaub shakes of the Indy game injury and has a field day picking off Dolphin corners. Texans win 27-13.

Game 7 vs. Detroit - Mario Williams notches two or three sacks and the defense has a carry over from the Miami game. Still the offense struggles to find the end zone and have to rely on Kris Brown's leg. Four field goals and two touchdowns are enough for the Texans to win 26-21.

Game 8 @ Minnesota - Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor run all over the defense. Tavaris Jackson meets Mario Williams once. Schaub is harassed all day long by the Vikings defensive line. It gets ugly and early. Vikings win 38-10.

Game 9 vs. Cincinnati - The scoreboard is in constant motion as neither defense is able to stop the air attack of the other team. The Texans win on the strength of a Andre Davis kickoff return. Final score Texans 42 - Bengals 35. Defensive coordinator Rich Smith is fired after the game marking the second time after a Bengals game that heads roll. It was after a loss to the Bengals that Jack Pardee and Kevin Gilbride were taken out back and shot. Yeah I know that was Oilers.

Game 10 @ Indianapolis - And the firing of Smith does nothing. The defense is again lit up. The home crowd in a new stadium gets into the heads of the offense and Matt Schaub is bench after taking a beating. Rosenfels does no better. Colts win in a laugher 45-7.

Game 11 @ Cleveland - The Texans are once again road kill. A decent showing by the offense but a long day for the defense. Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow have a fun day and the Dawg Pound howls late into the night.

Game 12 vs. Jacksonville - Battle Red game day goes prime time on a Monday night and the Texans usually get pumped up for this one game. The Texans have only lost one or two home games against the Jags in the short franchise history. This is another home win as the defense puts all together and hold the Jags to 10 points. The offense moves the ball all day long but only get into the endzone twice and once again Kris Brown puts up four field goals. Texans win 26-10

Game 13 @ Green Bay - Green Bay, in December, on the frozen tundra but Brett Farve is gone. Come on, this is the Texans. They fall to the Packers by taking ineptitude to a new level. Schaub is bruised and batter, the defense is batter and bruised. The only bright spot is when the game clock reads 00:00. Green Bay wins 49-0.

Game 14 vs. Tennessee - The annual TNT game. Vince Young and Titan fans show up in droves and start a near riot as Young finally has a bad game against the Texans. Three INTs and a bunch of wounded ducks fly off Young's hand. The offense still has a hard time versus the Titan defense but it's Young's bad game that let's the Texans win 24-13.

Game 15 @ Oakland - Both teams are playing for nothing in a game only girlfriends, wives and diehards watch. It's a sloppy game by both teams but the Texans win again in Oakland 13-7.

Game 16 vs Chicago - The season mercifully comes to an end as the Texans take care of the hapless Bears 35-17.

The Texans once again finish 8-8 and fans call for Kubiak's head. It won't happen. They finally draft a running back in the first round and that's as far into the future I can see.