This is week three in my season long experiment on how I well or bad I can pick against the line. In the mess that was Hurricane Ike, I never got around to making week two picks. Hopefully that's the end of missing a week and no more hurricanes. The record so far is 10-5 in my favor.
For reference, I'm using NFL Odds from FOX Sports. In case of the line being different for different odds makers, I go with the majority.
Chiefs (+6) @ Falcons - This one is a tough choice. The Chiefs are that bad and Larry Johnson is very unhappy plus Herm Edwards sucks. Falcons
Raiders (+9.5) @ Bills - The Bills are a surprising team and shouldn't have a let down on the Raiders. Bills
Texans (+5) @ Titans - Until the Texans show they can play defense I can't pick them. So I'm taking the Titans
Bengals (+13.5) @ Giants - Giants have a chip on their shoulders and the defense should keep Carson Palmer's awful start in tact. Giants
Cardinals (+3) @ Redskins - Redskins look better in week two than in week one but the Cards are looking even better. Cardinals
Dolphins (+12.5) @ Patriots - I'm going out on a limb on this one. The fins are bad but we still have an unknown commidity in Matt Cassel. He's been just good enough so far and the talent of the Pats have carried them thus far. I'll take the Dolphins in this contest.
Buccaneers (+3) @ Bears - The unwritten rule is if it's an even match up, give the home team -3 points favorite. I think the Bears are a little bit better than -3 against the Bucs. I think Matt Forte and the defense do just enough to beat the spread. Bears
Panthers (+3.5) @ Vikings - A quarterback change and a hurting Adrian Peterson make this a tough pick. The Panthers are a hot team right now but the Vikings are already desperate. I'll go with the hot team right now. Panthers
Rams (+9.5) @ Seahawks - The Rams are just awful and don't look like they will improve any time soon. They are just what the doctor ordered for what ails the receiver depleted 'hawks. Seahawks
Lions (+4) @ 49ers - The Lions should be able to put up some points and the 'niners should too. I think the 49ers out shoot the Lions at home. 49ers
Saints (+5.5) @ Broncos - Jay Cutler and company are on fire. Saints are a little staggered after losing to the Redskins. I'm taking Cutler's arm and the Broncos.
Steelers (+3) @ Eagles - Donovan McNabb is healthy and the offense is firing on all cylinders. The Steeler offense stumbled last week after routing the Texans on opening day. I see no reason the Eagles will slow down. It's just a question if the defense can get that one stop they couldn't get against Dallas. I'm going with the home team in this one. This is one of the rare places where the Steeler fans won't be a vast number as visitors. Eagles
Jaguars (+5.5) @ Colts - Both teams stumbled out of the gate but Peyton Manning is the deciding factor here. Colts
Browns (+2) @ Ravens - I think two points is too close for this game. Despite a rookie quarterback, the Ravens will win by more. Ravens
Cowboys (-3) @ Packers - The Packers are the only home dog this week. It's not December so the Cowboys should win. I'm taking the Cowboys as the only road favorite this week.
Jets (+9) @ Chargers - LT is hurting, Shawn Merriman is out for the year and Brett Farve is now a Jet. They might not win but I'm taking the Jets and the points.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
NFL Week #2
What's the U.S. Post Office's motto? Something about no rain, snow or whatever will stop deliver? Same applies for my weekly ranting. Add Hurricane Ike to the list. I'd throw in some joke about Ike treating Houston like Tina but what's the point?
On with the games.
I know not every team can fix every mistake or fill every personal hole right away but some situations have become down right ridiculous. One is Detroit. Enough already. Fire Matt Millen. The guy is the worse GM in the league. Other than taking WR in the first round he's done nothing to improve the team. The Lions are 31-83 during Millen's tenure. That is the worse mark in the league since Millen took over decision making responsibilities for the Lions. It's disgusting. It's disgraceful. It's Lions football. The weren't any better before Millen. You'd think though that team owner Ford would take Millen out back by now and end it. Then again look at how the Ford family has run their automotive company lately. Terrible management is manifesting in the family legacy business and its football team.
The second glaring need has been the Chicago Bears quarterback situation. They've had a problem ever since Rex Grossman became the starter. Great defense and a Jekyll-Hyde Grossman lead the team to a Super Bowl. Despite Grossman's erratic play the Bears never looked to improve the situation. Instead they turned to Kyle Orton; the former starter three years ago and third stringer for the last two seasons. While NFL caliber QBs don't grow on trees, the Bears have done absolutely nothing to improve the situation. Looks like a great defense will go to waste.
One the field, both Oakland and Tennessee put aside their respective soap operas and went out and won. The Al "Palpatine" Davis vs. Lane Kiffin drama continues. I find it intriguing that Palpatine hasn't used the force to choke Kiffin or blasted him with lightening. Palpatine doesn't want to be on the hook for the money if he fires Kiffin. So he's made his life miserable and has tried to get him to quit. Kiffin won't quit. Davis has taken away his decision making and at one point last year Kiffin wasn't even allowed in team meetings. This all reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where a company tries to get George Costanza to quit his job by blocking off access to his office. He just keeps finding ways in and refuses to quit. That's my new name for Kiffin. This is the grand battle of Emperor Palpatine vs. George Costanza.
In Tennessee, the Vince Young saga continues. The VY apologists like Jerome Solomon of the Houston Chronicle can spin it any way they want but the fact remains that Young has turned into a basket case. The fact is he didn't want to reenter the game last week, coach Jeff Fisher was concerned enough to call the police after talking to Young, his mommy went to the media to plead for Vinny to be left alone and later he didn't want to have the MRI done on his knee. The most telling sign that he's screwed up is that Fisher has stated for the record that Young will not return as the starter when he gets healthy. Fisher has also said that Young needs to buckle down and start to review film and learn the game. Young is such a gifted athlete that he just dominated in high school and college. Now that he's in the league where the talent is so much superior to the previous ranks that he can't get by on talent alone. Until he learns to play the NFL game and listen to his coaches, he will never excel in the league. I also think it's a telling sign that he was at home nursing his mangina instead of with the team for the game.
My player of the week is Jay Cutler: 36/50, 350 yards, 4 TDs.
The Joe Pisarcik Player of the Week is referee Ed Hochuli for his wrong call that ruled a fumble an incomplete pass that allowed Denver to keep the ball and defeat the Chargers.
I have a lot more to say but this is long enough. Obviously nothing about the Texans this week with the game moved to November 9th.
On with the games.
I know not every team can fix every mistake or fill every personal hole right away but some situations have become down right ridiculous. One is Detroit. Enough already. Fire Matt Millen. The guy is the worse GM in the league. Other than taking WR in the first round he's done nothing to improve the team. The Lions are 31-83 during Millen's tenure. That is the worse mark in the league since Millen took over decision making responsibilities for the Lions. It's disgusting. It's disgraceful. It's Lions football. The weren't any better before Millen. You'd think though that team owner Ford would take Millen out back by now and end it. Then again look at how the Ford family has run their automotive company lately. Terrible management is manifesting in the family legacy business and its football team.
The second glaring need has been the Chicago Bears quarterback situation. They've had a problem ever since Rex Grossman became the starter. Great defense and a Jekyll-Hyde Grossman lead the team to a Super Bowl. Despite Grossman's erratic play the Bears never looked to improve the situation. Instead they turned to Kyle Orton; the former starter three years ago and third stringer for the last two seasons. While NFL caliber QBs don't grow on trees, the Bears have done absolutely nothing to improve the situation. Looks like a great defense will go to waste.
One the field, both Oakland and Tennessee put aside their respective soap operas and went out and won. The Al "Palpatine" Davis vs. Lane Kiffin drama continues. I find it intriguing that Palpatine hasn't used the force to choke Kiffin or blasted him with lightening. Palpatine doesn't want to be on the hook for the money if he fires Kiffin. So he's made his life miserable and has tried to get him to quit. Kiffin won't quit. Davis has taken away his decision making and at one point last year Kiffin wasn't even allowed in team meetings. This all reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where a company tries to get George Costanza to quit his job by blocking off access to his office. He just keeps finding ways in and refuses to quit. That's my new name for Kiffin. This is the grand battle of Emperor Palpatine vs. George Costanza.
In Tennessee, the Vince Young saga continues. The VY apologists like Jerome Solomon of the Houston Chronicle can spin it any way they want but the fact remains that Young has turned into a basket case. The fact is he didn't want to reenter the game last week, coach Jeff Fisher was concerned enough to call the police after talking to Young, his mommy went to the media to plead for Vinny to be left alone and later he didn't want to have the MRI done on his knee. The most telling sign that he's screwed up is that Fisher has stated for the record that Young will not return as the starter when he gets healthy. Fisher has also said that Young needs to buckle down and start to review film and learn the game. Young is such a gifted athlete that he just dominated in high school and college. Now that he's in the league where the talent is so much superior to the previous ranks that he can't get by on talent alone. Until he learns to play the NFL game and listen to his coaches, he will never excel in the league. I also think it's a telling sign that he was at home nursing his mangina instead of with the team for the game.
My player of the week is Jay Cutler: 36/50, 350 yards, 4 TDs.
The Joe Pisarcik Player of the Week is referee Ed Hochuli for his wrong call that ruled a fumble an incomplete pass that allowed Denver to keep the ball and defeat the Chargers.
I have a lot more to say but this is long enough. Obviously nothing about the Texans this week with the game moved to November 9th.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
NFL Week 1, Unkle Monkee vs. the Line
All is right in the world, despite the Texans loss, with the opening of 2008 NFL season. Herm Edwards still sucks, Matt Millen is still the worse general manager in football and the Texans fans on the message boards are a bunch of idiots.
First off my player of the week: Michael Turner, RB Atlanta. After being LaDainian Tomlison's back up since 2004, he cashed in big time with a multi year mega contract with the Falcons. I had my doubts if he was going to be the big name back capable of putting up big numbers but I took him in the second round of my fantasy league draft. For one week he paid off: 220 yards on 22 carries with 2 TDs.
Atlanta is trying to put the Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino debacles behind them. Turner will help them forget and it appears so will rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. While Ryan didn't put up eye popping numbers, he did throw for a touchdown on his first ever NFL pass. If Turner keeps running like he started, Ryan won't have to have big numbers. He'll just have to take care of the ball and throw enough to keep defenses honest.
Big rumor out of Tennessee is that Vince Young may have quit on the team in the fourth quarter. Alleged All-Universe (if you talk to UT fans) Young is under huge pressure in Tennessee. For all the local fans still pissed that the Texans passed on Young there just as many Titans fans pissed that the team passed on Jay Cutler. Cutler was a local hero playing at Vanderbilt University like Young was a local high school/UT hero here. The Titan fans have definitely turned on Young. He's been booed through out the preseason and this week when he came back on the field after an injury. I'm definitely of the opinion that Young doesn't have the arm for the NFL. Now I'm starting to think he doesn't have the mental make up to be in the NFL.
http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080908/SPORTS01/809080337/1027
Despite Young's lack of NFL success, the Titans find ways to win and that's mostly because of their strong defense. Also despite his lack of NFL success, writers like the Houston Chronicle's Rusty Tromboner (Richard Justice) and Jabba the McClain (John McClain) will continue to ride his jock. Look up "rusty trombone" if you don't know what it is. Justice earned the nickname from one of the UH message boards.
It may turnout to be a long season for the Pats now that Tom Brady is out for the year. I hate that he's out cause I'd like for nothing more than to see him continue to out play Peyton Manning.
It was good to see Donovan McNabb looking healthy again. He had a fantastic game against the St. Louis Cardinals. McNabb is one of my all time favorite players. I really hated watching him struggle the last two seasons. As much as I want fellow Houston Cougar Kevin Kolb to succeed in the NFL, I don't want it at the expense of McNabb.
This week's Joe Pisarcik Player of the Week is Carson Palmer. 10 completions on 25 attempts for 99 yards to go with one interception earns him this dubious distinction. Thanks to Palmer's performance and TJ Houshmenzedah's I lost my opening week in fantasy football by four points.
Finally the depressing thought of the week. The Houston Texans. I expected them to lose to Pittsburgh. I didn't expect them to get manhandled like red headed step children. The overall performance was pretty pathetic. The only player to show up was Mario Williams. He picked up where he left off last year with two sacks, a forced fumble and six solo tackles. My major concern for the Texans is the defense. The first teamers were pushed around all preseason and now in week one. I have a feeling defensive coordinator Richard Smith might not survive the season. Of course, I think he should have been let go during the 2006 season. I think the offense will be fine though.
I think the Texans will have a tough time against the Ravens this week but will somehow pull out a win.
Well, I've put in a solid three day work week. I am out of here until next Monday. Have a good one. It's an all football weekend for me. I'll be out at UH to watch them play Air Force and then to the Texans on Sunday.
Against the Line
I went 10-5 versus the Vegas line this week. I didn't include Thursday's opener since I posted after the fact.
Tom Brady's injury greatly affected the game against KC and the Pats failed to cover for me. Turner's big day against the Lions cost me another game. Seattle's flat out beating, Chicago's upset of Indy and the Begnals going Bungles against the Raven's round out my losses.
On the winning side of the ledger, I went against the line and took the underdogs with the Titans, Saints and Panthers.
I'll post this weeks picks on Friday. I'm just curious on how I'll do against the line for a whole season. I've never measured myself before.
First off my player of the week: Michael Turner, RB Atlanta. After being LaDainian Tomlison's back up since 2004, he cashed in big time with a multi year mega contract with the Falcons. I had my doubts if he was going to be the big name back capable of putting up big numbers but I took him in the second round of my fantasy league draft. For one week he paid off: 220 yards on 22 carries with 2 TDs.
Atlanta is trying to put the Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino debacles behind them. Turner will help them forget and it appears so will rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. While Ryan didn't put up eye popping numbers, he did throw for a touchdown on his first ever NFL pass. If Turner keeps running like he started, Ryan won't have to have big numbers. He'll just have to take care of the ball and throw enough to keep defenses honest.
Big rumor out of Tennessee is that Vince Young may have quit on the team in the fourth quarter. Alleged All-Universe (if you talk to UT fans) Young is under huge pressure in Tennessee. For all the local fans still pissed that the Texans passed on Young there just as many Titans fans pissed that the team passed on Jay Cutler. Cutler was a local hero playing at Vanderbilt University like Young was a local high school/UT hero here. The Titan fans have definitely turned on Young. He's been booed through out the preseason and this week when he came back on the field after an injury. I'm definitely of the opinion that Young doesn't have the arm for the NFL. Now I'm starting to think he doesn't have the mental make up to be in the NFL.
http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080908/SPORTS01/809080337/1027
Despite Young's lack of NFL success, the Titans find ways to win and that's mostly because of their strong defense. Also despite his lack of NFL success, writers like the Houston Chronicle's Rusty Tromboner (Richard Justice) and Jabba the McClain (John McClain) will continue to ride his jock. Look up "rusty trombone" if you don't know what it is. Justice earned the nickname from one of the UH message boards.
It may turnout to be a long season for the Pats now that Tom Brady is out for the year. I hate that he's out cause I'd like for nothing more than to see him continue to out play Peyton Manning.
It was good to see Donovan McNabb looking healthy again. He had a fantastic game against the St. Louis Cardinals. McNabb is one of my all time favorite players. I really hated watching him struggle the last two seasons. As much as I want fellow Houston Cougar Kevin Kolb to succeed in the NFL, I don't want it at the expense of McNabb.
This week's Joe Pisarcik Player of the Week is Carson Palmer. 10 completions on 25 attempts for 99 yards to go with one interception earns him this dubious distinction. Thanks to Palmer's performance and TJ Houshmenzedah's I lost my opening week in fantasy football by four points.
Finally the depressing thought of the week. The Houston Texans. I expected them to lose to Pittsburgh. I didn't expect them to get manhandled like red headed step children. The overall performance was pretty pathetic. The only player to show up was Mario Williams. He picked up where he left off last year with two sacks, a forced fumble and six solo tackles. My major concern for the Texans is the defense. The first teamers were pushed around all preseason and now in week one. I have a feeling defensive coordinator Richard Smith might not survive the season. Of course, I think he should have been let go during the 2006 season. I think the offense will be fine though.
I think the Texans will have a tough time against the Ravens this week but will somehow pull out a win.
Well, I've put in a solid three day work week. I am out of here until next Monday. Have a good one. It's an all football weekend for me. I'll be out at UH to watch them play Air Force and then to the Texans on Sunday.
Against the Line
I went 10-5 versus the Vegas line this week. I didn't include Thursday's opener since I posted after the fact.
Tom Brady's injury greatly affected the game against KC and the Pats failed to cover for me. Turner's big day against the Lions cost me another game. Seattle's flat out beating, Chicago's upset of Indy and the Begnals going Bungles against the Raven's round out my losses.
On the winning side of the ledger, I went against the line and took the underdogs with the Titans, Saints and Panthers.
I'll post this weeks picks on Friday. I'm just curious on how I'll do against the line for a whole season. I've never measured myself before.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Unkle Monkee vs. The Line - Week 1
I'm going to keep track of how I do against the line this football season. So without further ado, here goes.
Bengals -2 vs. Ravens - Bengals
Jets -3 vs. Dolphins - Jets
Chiefs +15.5 vs. Patriots - Pats
Texans +6.5 vs. Steelers - Steelers
Jags -3 vs. Titans - Titans
Lions -3 vs. Falcons - Lions
Seahawks +1 vs. Buffalo - Seahawks
Bucs +3 vs. Saints - Saints
Rams +7.5 vs. Eagles - Eagles
Cowboys -6 vs. Browns - Cowboys
Panthers +9 vs. San Diego - Panthers
Cardinals -2.5 vs. 49ers - Cards
Bears +9.5 vs. Colts - Colts
Vikings +2.5 vs. Packers - Packers
Broncos -3 vs. Raiders - Broncos
Bengals -2 vs. Ravens - Bengals
Jets -3 vs. Dolphins - Jets
Chiefs +15.5 vs. Patriots - Pats
Texans +6.5 vs. Steelers - Steelers
Jags -3 vs. Titans - Titans
Lions -3 vs. Falcons - Lions
Seahawks +1 vs. Buffalo - Seahawks
Bucs +3 vs. Saints - Saints
Rams +7.5 vs. Eagles - Eagles
Cowboys -6 vs. Browns - Cowboys
Panthers +9 vs. San Diego - Panthers
Cardinals -2.5 vs. 49ers - Cards
Bears +9.5 vs. Colts - Colts
Vikings +2.5 vs. Packers - Packers
Broncos -3 vs. Raiders - Broncos
Fearless Pittsburgh Predictions, 10 NFL Predictions
Fearless Pittsburgh 2008 Predictions
Like the Texans predictions I made, I thought I'd project that same objectivity and try and predict how the Steelers season will go. Hope my buddy Dave enjoys it.
Game 1 vs. Texans - As I said in the last email, Texans lose but Big Ben gets so bored during the game that he states in post game interviews,"The next time we play the Texans, I probably won't show up. I'll have more fun masturbating."
Game 2 @ Cleveland - Steelers win but during the game Hines Ward has a divine revelation and decides to give up football immediately and seek his true calling. He calls up Kordell Stewart, puts on his assless leather chaps and they go spend a night on the town.
Game 3 @ Philly - Steelers lose amid the cursing, trash throwing, howling Eagles fans. Santonio Holmes wanders to close to the Eagles fans and is never seen or heard from again.
Game 4 vs. Ravens - Bill Cowher is the guest head coach for the Ravens. He brings back Cliff Stoudt and Jack Lambert to play for the Ravens. Willie Parker is hit by both Lambert and Ray Lewis on the first play from scrimmage. Lambert inflicts pain on Parker. Parker leaves the game only to be found crying in a bathroom stall. Steelers lose and Cowher, Stoudt and Lambert go back into retirement.
Game 5 @ Jacksonville - An unusually large hurricane threatens Florida. Steelers decide to forfeit and go read books to orphans.
Game 6 - not realizing it's the bye week, the Steelers show up to play before a packed house. They win the toss and manage to score a TD three plays later.
Game 7 @ Cincinnati - still hurting from the bye week loss, the Steelers are in a fog and show up in Cleveland instead of Cincinnati.
Game 8 vs. NY Giants - Old Man Dan Rooney streaks across the field on a dare from the other Rooney brothers. He's arrested and handed over to a group of shemale trannies. Steelers would have won the game if it weren't for terrible special teams play.
Game 9 @ Washington - Old Man Dan Rooney shows up in the team locker room to give a pregame speech dressed like the trannies he spent the week with. He's accompanied by Kordell Stewart and Hines Ward. The team is in shock and go out and lose the Redskins buy an ugly score. 69 - 0.
Game 10 vs. Indianapolis - The team is psyched up to play the Colts. Jenna Jamison, Tera Patrick and 51 other porn stars show up to "inspire" the Steelers. The team comes out of the locker room crying cause to quote Heath Miller,"These nasty women tried to touch our wee wee's. My mama told me that was only for me to touch...waaahh..."
Game 11 vs. San Diego - After hearing the term "pigskin" to describe a football, the Steelers refuse to come out of the locker room because they think it would be icky to touch something that used to be alive.
Game 12 vs. Cincinnati - Assured that a football is made from synthetic material, the Steelers agree to take the field against the Bengals. It's all for naught as TJ Housh and Chad Johnson each score six TDs. Troy Polamalu says after the game,"My feelings are really hurt. I'm sad because TJ and Chad laughed at me, pointed at my hair and kept call me a girl every time they ran by me."
Game 13 @ New England - Big Ben runs out to shake Tom Brady's hand and asks to see Brady's Super Bowl rings since he's never seen one. Brady calls Ben an idiot and reminds him that he too has a Super Bowl ring. Polamalu feels better this week after coach Mike Tomlin assures him all week at practice that he's still pretty.
Game 14 vs. Dallas - Since America's Team is coming to town, the Rooneys have punter Daniel Sepulveda deported. The name just sounded to Spanish for them and they didn't want the Cowboys to think they hired illegals.
Game 15 @ Baltimore - Ray Lewis beats the crap out of Justin Hartwig after Hartwig repeatedly touches Lewis's crotch and asks to see his Baltimore Colt. Lewis gently reminds Hartwig that the Colts are in Indy.
Game 16 @ Tennessee - Thinking they are playing the Tennessee Volunteers, the Steelers decide wear Florida Gator uniforms. Unfortunately the tactic fails miserably when they show up in Knoxville instead of Nashville.
Game 17 vs. Cleveland - The team refuses to take the field when in protest of not having a bye week. Jerome Bettis comes out of retirement and plays defense, offense and special teams. The Steelers win on a last second 72 yard TD pass play that Bettis completes to himself. He calls the rest of the Steelers a bunch wimps. A chariot of fire descends the heavens to take Bettis away.
Top Ten Predictions for the NFL Season
1. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson get married. Tony agrees to change his last name to Simpson and later changes his first name to Jesse.
2. Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones beat the living day lights out of Mr. Simpson after the wedding.
3. Dallas goes 0-16 after Mr. Simpson breaks a nail. He also complains of bloating and cramps.
4. The Indianapolis Colts go undefeated only to lose the Super Bowl. Manning states after the game he's just trying to keep pace with Tom Brady.
5. Jacksonville announces relocation to Youngstown, OH for the 2009 season. Dave gets a Jaguar helmet for Christmas.
6. Mario Williams finally gets a hard, bone rattling hit on Vince Young. Young announces his retirement over the Reliant Stadium PA at half time.
7. Eli Manning tells Peyton Manning that he thinks Tom Brady is the better quarterback. Peyton starts crying and Archie Manning sends Eli to time out in the corner.
8. Al Davis insists that all Raider fans dressed like Darth Raider call him Emperor Palpatine.
9. Ravens and Colts ownership agree to change team names thus returning the Colt name to its rightful place in Baltimore.
10. Bob McNair buys the Oiler name back from Bud Adams returning the Oiler name back to Houston. Adams changes the name of the Titans to the Tennessee Texans.
Like the Texans predictions I made, I thought I'd project that same objectivity and try and predict how the Steelers season will go. Hope my buddy Dave enjoys it.
Game 1 vs. Texans - As I said in the last email, Texans lose but Big Ben gets so bored during the game that he states in post game interviews,"The next time we play the Texans, I probably won't show up. I'll have more fun masturbating."
Game 2 @ Cleveland - Steelers win but during the game Hines Ward has a divine revelation and decides to give up football immediately and seek his true calling. He calls up Kordell Stewart, puts on his assless leather chaps and they go spend a night on the town.
Game 3 @ Philly - Steelers lose amid the cursing, trash throwing, howling Eagles fans. Santonio Holmes wanders to close to the Eagles fans and is never seen or heard from again.
Game 4 vs. Ravens - Bill Cowher is the guest head coach for the Ravens. He brings back Cliff Stoudt and Jack Lambert to play for the Ravens. Willie Parker is hit by both Lambert and Ray Lewis on the first play from scrimmage. Lambert inflicts pain on Parker. Parker leaves the game only to be found crying in a bathroom stall. Steelers lose and Cowher, Stoudt and Lambert go back into retirement.
Game 5 @ Jacksonville - An unusually large hurricane threatens Florida. Steelers decide to forfeit and go read books to orphans.
Game 6 - not realizing it's the bye week, the Steelers show up to play before a packed house. They win the toss and manage to score a TD three plays later.
Game 7 @ Cincinnati - still hurting from the bye week loss, the Steelers are in a fog and show up in Cleveland instead of Cincinnati.
Game 8 vs. NY Giants - Old Man Dan Rooney streaks across the field on a dare from the other Rooney brothers. He's arrested and handed over to a group of shemale trannies. Steelers would have won the game if it weren't for terrible special teams play.
Game 9 @ Washington - Old Man Dan Rooney shows up in the team locker room to give a pregame speech dressed like the trannies he spent the week with. He's accompanied by Kordell Stewart and Hines Ward. The team is in shock and go out and lose the Redskins buy an ugly score. 69 - 0.
Game 10 vs. Indianapolis - The team is psyched up to play the Colts. Jenna Jamison, Tera Patrick and 51 other porn stars show up to "inspire" the Steelers. The team comes out of the locker room crying cause to quote Heath Miller,"These nasty women tried to touch our wee wee's. My mama told me that was only for me to touch...waaahh..."
Game 11 vs. San Diego - After hearing the term "pigskin" to describe a football, the Steelers refuse to come out of the locker room because they think it would be icky to touch something that used to be alive.
Game 12 vs. Cincinnati - Assured that a football is made from synthetic material, the Steelers agree to take the field against the Bengals. It's all for naught as TJ Housh and Chad Johnson each score six TDs. Troy Polamalu says after the game,"My feelings are really hurt. I'm sad because TJ and Chad laughed at me, pointed at my hair and kept call me a girl every time they ran by me."
Game 13 @ New England - Big Ben runs out to shake Tom Brady's hand and asks to see Brady's Super Bowl rings since he's never seen one. Brady calls Ben an idiot and reminds him that he too has a Super Bowl ring. Polamalu feels better this week after coach Mike Tomlin assures him all week at practice that he's still pretty.
Game 14 vs. Dallas - Since America's Team is coming to town, the Rooneys have punter Daniel Sepulveda deported. The name just sounded to Spanish for them and they didn't want the Cowboys to think they hired illegals.
Game 15 @ Baltimore - Ray Lewis beats the crap out of Justin Hartwig after Hartwig repeatedly touches Lewis's crotch and asks to see his Baltimore Colt. Lewis gently reminds Hartwig that the Colts are in Indy.
Game 16 @ Tennessee - Thinking they are playing the Tennessee Volunteers, the Steelers decide wear Florida Gator uniforms. Unfortunately the tactic fails miserably when they show up in Knoxville instead of Nashville.
Game 17 vs. Cleveland - The team refuses to take the field when in protest of not having a bye week. Jerome Bettis comes out of retirement and plays defense, offense and special teams. The Steelers win on a last second 72 yard TD pass play that Bettis completes to himself. He calls the rest of the Steelers a bunch wimps. A chariot of fire descends the heavens to take Bettis away.
Top Ten Predictions for the NFL Season
1. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson get married. Tony agrees to change his last name to Simpson and later changes his first name to Jesse.
2. Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones beat the living day lights out of Mr. Simpson after the wedding.
3. Dallas goes 0-16 after Mr. Simpson breaks a nail. He also complains of bloating and cramps.
4. The Indianapolis Colts go undefeated only to lose the Super Bowl. Manning states after the game he's just trying to keep pace with Tom Brady.
5. Jacksonville announces relocation to Youngstown, OH for the 2009 season. Dave gets a Jaguar helmet for Christmas.
6. Mario Williams finally gets a hard, bone rattling hit on Vince Young. Young announces his retirement over the Reliant Stadium PA at half time.
7. Eli Manning tells Peyton Manning that he thinks Tom Brady is the better quarterback. Peyton starts crying and Archie Manning sends Eli to time out in the corner.
8. Al Davis insists that all Raider fans dressed like Darth Raider call him Emperor Palpatine.
9. Ravens and Colts ownership agree to change team names thus returning the Colt name to its rightful place in Baltimore.
10. Bob McNair buys the Oiler name back from Bud Adams returning the Oiler name back to Houston. Adams changes the name of the Titans to the Tennessee Texans.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Fearless Predictions for the Texans 2008 Season
Well not really a rant but my bold prediction for the Texans season. No rosed colored Kool-Aid drinking fan here. I'll save the Joe Pisarcik reference for opening day (that's a good sign that I can't think of one). And I can't fail to say how much I hate Herm Edwards and he's the worst coach in the league. And why the hell is Matt Millen still a GM?
Game 1 @ Pittsburgh - Another opening day loss for the Texans. The running duo of Willie Parker and rookie Rashard Mendenhall leave their footprints all over the defensive line. In turn it opens up the pass for Ben Roethlisberger and the WR tandem of Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. The offense puts up a spirited fight and is able to put some points up against an overrated Steelers defense but it won't be enough. Steelers win 35-24
Game 2 vs. Baltimore - Coming home bruised and battered, the Texans take frustrations out on the Ravens. The once vaunted Ravens defense isn't what it used to be. Matt Schaub is able to find Andre Johnson for a couple of TDs and Kevin Walters keeps making clutch receptions over the middle. The defense isn't able to pressure the Ravens offense but there really isn't
much to fear. Texans win 24-14.
Game 3 @ Tennessee - Vince Young continues to struggle early in the season but the Texans defense can't contain him. He makes just enough plays to keep the defense on the field and the running game tires out the Texans. The Texans offensive line is able to hold the tough Titan defensive line in check on the passing game but not able to open running lanes for Steve Slanton. Young and company keep the Texans offense off the field as the Titans win 17-10.
Game 4 @ Jacksonville - This is the unlikeliest and probably least known rivalries in the NFL. Basically cause no one outside of Houston or Jacksonville gives a rat's ass. Jacksonville is looking to make a big push and challenge for the division crown. It's early but it's a must win for the Jags to be able to keep up with the Colts and stay ahead of the Titans and Texans. Personal fouls are the story of the day and Anthony Weaver gets ejected. Jags win 28-24.
Game 5 vs. Indianapolis - The Texans limp home 1-3 and the sky is falling on the sports talk shows. Some idiots are calling for head coach Kubiak's head. The Texans defense once again is run all over by Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai. The Texans offensive line takes a step back and Schaub eaves the game hurt. Sage Rosefels comes in and sparks to offense to a touchdown but that's it. Colts win 42-17.
Game 6 vs. Miami - The Dolphins roll into town and it's just what the doctor ordered. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown start off strong early but the defense stiffens and holds Miami out of the endzone for most of the game. Matt Schaub shakes of the Indy game injury and has a field day picking off Dolphin corners. Texans win 27-13.
Game 7 vs. Detroit - Mario Williams notches two or three sacks and the defense has a carry over from the Miami game. Still the offense struggles to find the end zone and have to rely on Kris Brown's leg. Four field goals and two touchdowns are enough for the Texans to win 26-21.
Game 8 @ Minnesota - Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor run all over the defense. Tavaris Jackson meets Mario Williams once. Schaub is harassed all day long by the Vikings defensive line. It gets ugly and early. Vikings win 38-10.
Game 9 vs. Cincinnati - The scoreboard is in constant motion as neither defense is able to stop the air attack of the other team. The Texans win on the strength of a Andre Davis kickoff return. Final score Texans 42 - Bengals 35. Defensive coordinator Rich Smith is fired after the game marking the second time after a Bengals game that heads roll. It was after a loss to the Bengals that Jack Pardee and Kevin Gilbride were taken out back and shot. Yeah I know that was Oilers.
Game 10 @ Indianapolis - And the firing of Smith does nothing. The defense is again lit up. The home crowd in a new stadium gets into the heads of the offense and Matt Schaub is bench after taking a beating. Rosenfels does no better. Colts win in a laugher 45-7.
Game 11 @ Cleveland - The Texans are once again road kill. A decent showing by the offense but a long day for the defense. Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow have a fun day and the Dawg Pound howls late into the night.
Game 12 vs. Jacksonville - Battle Red game day goes prime time on a Monday night and the Texans usually get pumped up for this one game. The Texans have only lost one or two home games against the Jags in the short franchise history. This is another home win as the defense puts all together and hold the Jags to 10 points. The offense moves the ball all day long but only get into the endzone twice and once again Kris Brown puts up four field goals. Texans win 26-10
Game 13 @ Green Bay - Green Bay, in December, on the frozen tundra but Brett Farve is gone. Come on, this is the Texans. They fall to the Packers by taking ineptitude to a new level. Schaub is bruised and batter, the defense is batter and bruised. The only bright spot is when the game clock reads 00:00. Green Bay wins 49-0.
Game 14 vs. Tennessee - The annual TNT game. Vince Young and Titan fans show up in droves and start a near riot as Young finally has a bad game against the Texans. Three INTs and a bunch of wounded ducks fly off Young's hand. The offense still has a hard time versus the Titan defense but it's Young's bad game that let's the Texans win 24-13.
Game 15 @ Oakland - Both teams are playing for nothing in a game only girlfriends, wives and diehards watch. It's a sloppy game by both teams but the Texans win again in Oakland 13-7.
Game 16 vs Chicago - The season mercifully comes to an end as the Texans take care of the hapless Bears 35-17.
The Texans once again finish 8-8 and fans call for Kubiak's head. It won't happen. They finally draft a running back in the first round and that's as far into the future I can see.
Game 1 @ Pittsburgh - Another opening day loss for the Texans. The running duo of Willie Parker and rookie Rashard Mendenhall leave their footprints all over the defensive line. In turn it opens up the pass for Ben Roethlisberger and the WR tandem of Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. The offense puts up a spirited fight and is able to put some points up against an overrated Steelers defense but it won't be enough. Steelers win 35-24
Game 2 vs. Baltimore - Coming home bruised and battered, the Texans take frustrations out on the Ravens. The once vaunted Ravens defense isn't what it used to be. Matt Schaub is able to find Andre Johnson for a couple of TDs and Kevin Walters keeps making clutch receptions over the middle. The defense isn't able to pressure the Ravens offense but there really isn't
much to fear. Texans win 24-14.
Game 3 @ Tennessee - Vince Young continues to struggle early in the season but the Texans defense can't contain him. He makes just enough plays to keep the defense on the field and the running game tires out the Texans. The Texans offensive line is able to hold the tough Titan defensive line in check on the passing game but not able to open running lanes for Steve Slanton. Young and company keep the Texans offense off the field as the Titans win 17-10.
Game 4 @ Jacksonville - This is the unlikeliest and probably least known rivalries in the NFL. Basically cause no one outside of Houston or Jacksonville gives a rat's ass. Jacksonville is looking to make a big push and challenge for the division crown. It's early but it's a must win for the Jags to be able to keep up with the Colts and stay ahead of the Titans and Texans. Personal fouls are the story of the day and Anthony Weaver gets ejected. Jags win 28-24.
Game 5 vs. Indianapolis - The Texans limp home 1-3 and the sky is falling on the sports talk shows. Some idiots are calling for head coach Kubiak's head. The Texans defense once again is run all over by Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai. The Texans offensive line takes a step back and Schaub eaves the game hurt. Sage Rosefels comes in and sparks to offense to a touchdown but that's it. Colts win 42-17.
Game 6 vs. Miami - The Dolphins roll into town and it's just what the doctor ordered. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown start off strong early but the defense stiffens and holds Miami out of the endzone for most of the game. Matt Schaub shakes of the Indy game injury and has a field day picking off Dolphin corners. Texans win 27-13.
Game 7 vs. Detroit - Mario Williams notches two or three sacks and the defense has a carry over from the Miami game. Still the offense struggles to find the end zone and have to rely on Kris Brown's leg. Four field goals and two touchdowns are enough for the Texans to win 26-21.
Game 8 @ Minnesota - Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor run all over the defense. Tavaris Jackson meets Mario Williams once. Schaub is harassed all day long by the Vikings defensive line. It gets ugly and early. Vikings win 38-10.
Game 9 vs. Cincinnati - The scoreboard is in constant motion as neither defense is able to stop the air attack of the other team. The Texans win on the strength of a Andre Davis kickoff return. Final score Texans 42 - Bengals 35. Defensive coordinator Rich Smith is fired after the game marking the second time after a Bengals game that heads roll. It was after a loss to the Bengals that Jack Pardee and Kevin Gilbride were taken out back and shot. Yeah I know that was Oilers.
Game 10 @ Indianapolis - And the firing of Smith does nothing. The defense is again lit up. The home crowd in a new stadium gets into the heads of the offense and Matt Schaub is bench after taking a beating. Rosenfels does no better. Colts win in a laugher 45-7.
Game 11 @ Cleveland - The Texans are once again road kill. A decent showing by the offense but a long day for the defense. Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow have a fun day and the Dawg Pound howls late into the night.
Game 12 vs. Jacksonville - Battle Red game day goes prime time on a Monday night and the Texans usually get pumped up for this one game. The Texans have only lost one or two home games against the Jags in the short franchise history. This is another home win as the defense puts all together and hold the Jags to 10 points. The offense moves the ball all day long but only get into the endzone twice and once again Kris Brown puts up four field goals. Texans win 26-10
Game 13 @ Green Bay - Green Bay, in December, on the frozen tundra but Brett Farve is gone. Come on, this is the Texans. They fall to the Packers by taking ineptitude to a new level. Schaub is bruised and batter, the defense is batter and bruised. The only bright spot is when the game clock reads 00:00. Green Bay wins 49-0.
Game 14 vs. Tennessee - The annual TNT game. Vince Young and Titan fans show up in droves and start a near riot as Young finally has a bad game against the Texans. Three INTs and a bunch of wounded ducks fly off Young's hand. The offense still has a hard time versus the Titan defense but it's Young's bad game that let's the Texans win 24-13.
Game 15 @ Oakland - Both teams are playing for nothing in a game only girlfriends, wives and diehards watch. It's a sloppy game by both teams but the Texans win again in Oakland 13-7.
Game 16 vs Chicago - The season mercifully comes to an end as the Texans take care of the hapless Bears 35-17.
The Texans once again finish 8-8 and fans call for Kubiak's head. It won't happen. They finally draft a running back in the first round and that's as far into the future I can see.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Texans ESPN love and Houston Astros need to keep losing
First off are some sound bites I edited out of ESPN podcasts. They are giving love to my Texans.
This take is a little dated after the Astros lost a couple of games to Arizona but it's worth a post.
Well damn, I had the Houston Astros dead and buried. Right now the team is 7 1/2 games behind in the NL wild card race. Recently the Astros have been an unbelievable post All-Star team. There was the run in 2004 when Jimy Williams was fired and Phil Garner took the team to a 46-26 second half run that won the NL wild card and a seven game epic series against St. Louis.
In 2005 they started 15-30 before storming to a July record of 22-7 to find themselves in the thick of the wild card race. They clinched the wild card on the last day of the season and went on to that embarrassing sweep in the World Series. In 2006 they once again made a late season push for the wild card. They also came with in 1/2 game of the NL Central lead on Sept. 28. 2007 was a wash that saw the end of manager Phil Garner and GM Tim Purpura.
That brings us to this season. With 41 games remaining, there are four teams ahead in the wild card standings and the Astros are tied with two teams. That basically means the Astros not only have to catch the four teams in front but they must out play the teams they are tied with. It's a tall order but another incredible run and it's not out of reach. The first focus is to continue winning and try to catch the team, the Florida Marlins, in front of them. There isn't room for error though. They are on a hot streak. Let's see if they can stay hot or revert to midseason form.
As I've written before, the Astros are a mess. The farm system is in shambles. Drayton McClain doesn't want to pay high signing bonuses for top draft picks. There are no pitchers waiting in the wings to move to the major league level anytime soon. The same situation applies to the position players. It's not pretty.
That all leads me to say: the Astros either clinching the wild card spot or making hot run at it is probably the worse thing that can happen to the Astros. Why? Simple. A strong finish will more than likely validate in McClain's mind that the team is being run correctly. Why change the way things are run? McClain will continue to sign off on making one big free agent signing every two or three years. The Astros will then supplement the team with marginal players and questionable trades. McClain will probably continue to balk at paying high draft picks upfront money and the farm system will remain empty.
The direction the Astros are going in must change soon. At the top of the list is rebuilding the farm system. Unfortunately I don't think McClain has the patience to restock the farm and let the youth work their way up.
McClain also has to be more hands off in running the club. Yes he writes the checks and has the power but he's not a baseball man. The last time the Astros had a strong GM was in Gerry Hunsicker. During his reign, the Astros won four division titles and had five second place finishes. Evidently Hunsincker and McClain clashed and resulted in him leaving the club in 2004. Now the GMs are probably handcuffed by McClain. McClain needs to let Ed Wade loose and let him have free hand in rebuilding the club.
While not exactly a premier club in major leagues, the Astros are have been one of the more consistent and successful clubs since 1994. They have had multiple second place finishes, won the division four times and clinched the wild card spot two times along with one World Series appearance. If the continue on the current track the Astros will slide to the back of the pack and McClain's worse nightmare will happen: a cavernous empty Minute Maid Field.
This take is a little dated after the Astros lost a couple of games to Arizona but it's worth a post.
Well damn, I had the Houston Astros dead and buried. Right now the team is 7 1/2 games behind in the NL wild card race. Recently the Astros have been an unbelievable post All-Star team. There was the run in 2004 when Jimy Williams was fired and Phil Garner took the team to a 46-26 second half run that won the NL wild card and a seven game epic series against St. Louis.
In 2005 they started 15-30 before storming to a July record of 22-7 to find themselves in the thick of the wild card race. They clinched the wild card on the last day of the season and went on to that embarrassing sweep in the World Series. In 2006 they once again made a late season push for the wild card. They also came with in 1/2 game of the NL Central lead on Sept. 28. 2007 was a wash that saw the end of manager Phil Garner and GM Tim Purpura.
That brings us to this season. With 41 games remaining, there are four teams ahead in the wild card standings and the Astros are tied with two teams. That basically means the Astros not only have to catch the four teams in front but they must out play the teams they are tied with. It's a tall order but another incredible run and it's not out of reach. The first focus is to continue winning and try to catch the team, the Florida Marlins, in front of them. There isn't room for error though. They are on a hot streak. Let's see if they can stay hot or revert to midseason form.
As I've written before, the Astros are a mess. The farm system is in shambles. Drayton McClain doesn't want to pay high signing bonuses for top draft picks. There are no pitchers waiting in the wings to move to the major league level anytime soon. The same situation applies to the position players. It's not pretty.
That all leads me to say: the Astros either clinching the wild card spot or making hot run at it is probably the worse thing that can happen to the Astros. Why? Simple. A strong finish will more than likely validate in McClain's mind that the team is being run correctly. Why change the way things are run? McClain will continue to sign off on making one big free agent signing every two or three years. The Astros will then supplement the team with marginal players and questionable trades. McClain will probably continue to balk at paying high draft picks upfront money and the farm system will remain empty.
The direction the Astros are going in must change soon. At the top of the list is rebuilding the farm system. Unfortunately I don't think McClain has the patience to restock the farm and let the youth work their way up.
McClain also has to be more hands off in running the club. Yes he writes the checks and has the power but he's not a baseball man. The last time the Astros had a strong GM was in Gerry Hunsicker. During his reign, the Astros won four division titles and had five second place finishes. Evidently Hunsincker and McClain clashed and resulted in him leaving the club in 2004. Now the GMs are probably handcuffed by McClain. McClain needs to let Ed Wade loose and let him have free hand in rebuilding the club.
While not exactly a premier club in major leagues, the Astros are have been one of the more consistent and successful clubs since 1994. They have had multiple second place finishes, won the division four times and clinched the wild card spot two times along with one World Series appearance. If the continue on the current track the Astros will slide to the back of the pack and McClain's worse nightmare will happen: a cavernous empty Minute Maid Field.
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