Peter King's Weekly Brett Favre Blowjob

Peter King hangs on Brett Favre's left nut like a calf on its mother's udder. King just can't go a week without mentioning Favre and publicly offering some kind of public fellatio.

This week it's Happy Birth, Brett Favre. King fawns over Favre like a love sick high school girl after the prom king. Let is rest King.

Happy birthday, Brett Favre: Favre turned 40 Saturday

when I spoke to him in the tunnel at the Metrodome, an hour or so after the emotional win over the Packers.

He always has to mention that he talked to Favre in person, on the phone or text messaging. He just can't go about his daily business of just reporting. Has to make it know how close he is to his boyfriend.

Think I'm exaggerating?

Favre overcomes nerves to deliver vintage performance

And of course this bit of useful information.

Scroll down to King's Stat of the Week.

Stat of the Week

Forty percent of the Green Bay active roster has never met Brett Favre. Of the 53 players eligible to dress for the Packers in the Metrodome tonight, 21 joined the team after Favre's departure in March 2008.

Add eight practice-squadders and two of three injured-reserve players who weren't on the team in Favre's last season there, and Favre would have a pretty strange time if he walked in to the Green Bay locker room at these days. He wouldn't know 31 of the 64 players in there.

Honestly, who gives a dump how many players on Green Bay's roster never met Favre? How does he in fact know that they didn't meet Favre at some players function? Did he personally go up to each Green Bay player and poll them if they had met Favre? They all do the same thing for a living. Maybe one or two crossed paths with Favre some where else? Maybe one of them is a deacon at Favre's church?

It's that kind of dumb shit writing that makes King an official hack of the Monkee Cage. It's just a made up stat so the King could mention Favre. It's not a blowjob unless it is public.

The scary part? All those Favre references were in the last week.

Go get a room, King!

Favre Stays Retired, What's Peter King to Do?

Drama Queen Brett Farve decided to stay retired. Not without the Minnesota Vikings putting every effort they could into signing Favre. In the end, Favre decided he didn't want to go through the grind of NFL life anymore. Or he remembered how awful he played down the stretch last year.

Now the Vikings are in the awkward position of going back to Plan B aka Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfails. How do you go to your current quarterbacks and tell them,"Well Favre decided to not play. We love you guys."

To top it off, the front office recruited players to call Favre and try to sell him on signing with the team. No dice. Now either Jackson or Rosenfails will have to look at players in the huddle and think that their own guys tried to sell them down the river for Farve.

Good luck to Jackson. I think he probably wins the battle for quarterback. Rosenpenis is a turnover machine. He turned the ball over as much as Texans starter Matt Schaub in half as many games while filling in.

Congrats Vikings, he's your problem now.

Another Reason I Hate Peter King the Hack

Sometimes, like Official Hack Little Dickie Justice, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King makes an uninformed observation along the lines of point number 7:

7. I think the Rex Grossman signing in Houston says one thing to me: The honeymoon's over for Dan Orlovsky as the walk-in, no-doubt backup to Matt Schaub.

Granted, King states it as an observation. However, as any observer of the Houston Texans will know, King is simply wrong.

Bigfatdrunk at DGDG&D breaks it down on why Orlovsky is better than the Sex Cannon

There is a further discussion over at the Battle Red Blog comparing the Sex Cannon to the late signing and early release of Quin Gray before camp last season.

So go beat that dead horse at those two blogs if you must. I won't.

The real reasons I hate King are multiple. His constant online blowjob of Brett Farve is tops. I think he even tops John Madden in publicly performing fellatio on Farve.

Also his constant bragging on who he texts with during the off season and after games smacks of elitism.

His Tuesday column reaches a new low in his "I know these people, you don't" attitude. Most writers either talk about "sources in the organization" or something along those lines. King goes out of his way to say who texts him and who he talks to on their cell phone.

The second paragraph is a classic King texting marathon. Three times he brags on his texting skills:

But Monday night, I texted McDaniels, who is a big texter.

Texted his assistant and got back that the coach is laying low

Texted Marshall, who's also a texter.

Enough King. We get it! You know players and coaches. You know their cell phone numbers. Farve is your BFF but you have more than five people in you Circle of Five. Give it a freaking rest now. Farve is supposedly retired. Go blow him on the privacy of his ranch.

As if his texting buddies wasn't enough King has to remind us he's also BFF with a New York judge:

I'm friendly with a judge in the New York area

I honestly wouldn't have a problem with a friend judge and his anonymous comments if it wasn't for the fact that King hadn't rubbed it in my face about all his texting butt buddies.

Then there is finally the obligatory lick to Farve's nut sack when King gives his brief take on Farve's HBO interview.

To get an appreciation of Peter King's magnitude of suckage, one must read the whole body of work over the course of an NFL season. A casual reading doesn't come close to revealing how bad a writer he is. Over a year one notices certain patterns: his constant bragging of texting players and coaches, his tiresome Brett Farve lovefest, his inane observations of teams he has no interest in covering and his Ten Things I Think I Think feature that goes well beyond ten.

Congratulations Peter King. You are now the latest entry in to Unkle Monkee's list of Official Hacks.