Fearless Pittsburgh Predictions, 10 NFL Predictions

Fearless Pittsburgh 2008 Predictions
Like the Texans predictions I made, I thought I'd project that same objectivity and try and predict how the Steelers season will go. Hope my buddy Dave enjoys it.

Game 1 vs. Texans - As I said in the last email, Texans lose but Big Ben gets so bored during the game that he states in post game interviews,"The next time we play the Texans, I probably won't show up. I'll have more fun masturbating."

Game 2 @ Cleveland - Steelers win but during the game Hines Ward has a divine revelation and decides to give up football immediately and seek his true calling. He calls up Kordell Stewart, puts on his assless leather chaps and they go spend a night on the town.

Game 3 @ Philly - Steelers lose amid the cursing, trash throwing, howling Eagles fans. Santonio Holmes wanders to close to the Eagles fans and is never seen or heard from again.

Game 4 vs. Ravens - Bill Cowher is the guest head coach for the Ravens. He brings back Cliff Stoudt and Jack Lambert to play for the Ravens. Willie Parker is hit by both Lambert and Ray Lewis on the first play from scrimmage. Lambert inflicts pain on Parker. Parker leaves the game only to be found crying in a bathroom stall. Steelers lose and Cowher, Stoudt and Lambert go back into retirement.

Game 5 @ Jacksonville - An unusually large hurricane threatens Florida. Steelers decide to forfeit and go read books to orphans.

Game 6 - not realizing it's the bye week, the Steelers show up to play before a packed house. They win the toss and manage to score a TD three plays later.

Game 7 @ Cincinnati - still hurting from the bye week loss, the Steelers are in a fog and show up in Cleveland instead of Cincinnati.

Game 8 vs. NY Giants - Old Man Dan Rooney streaks across the field on a dare from the other Rooney brothers. He's arrested and handed over to a group of shemale trannies. Steelers would have won the game if it weren't for terrible special teams play.

Game 9 @ Washington - Old Man Dan Rooney shows up in the team locker room to give a pregame speech dressed like the trannies he spent the week with. He's accompanied by Kordell Stewart and Hines Ward. The team is in shock and go out and lose the Redskins buy an ugly score. 69 - 0.

Game 10 vs. Indianapolis - The team is psyched up to play the Colts. Jenna Jamison, Tera Patrick and 51 other porn stars show up to "inspire" the Steelers. The team comes out of the locker room crying cause to quote Heath Miller,"These nasty women tried to touch our wee wee's. My mama told me that was only for me to touch...waaahh..."

Game 11 vs. San Diego - After hearing the term "pigskin" to describe a football, the Steelers refuse to come out of the locker room because they think it would be icky to touch something that used to be alive.

Game 12 vs. Cincinnati - Assured that a football is made from synthetic material, the Steelers agree to take the field against the Bengals. It's all for naught as TJ Housh and Chad Johnson each score six TDs. Troy Polamalu says after the game,"My feelings are really hurt. I'm sad because TJ and Chad laughed at me, pointed at my hair and kept call me a girl every time they ran by me."

Game 13 @ New England - Big Ben runs out to shake Tom Brady's hand and asks to see Brady's Super Bowl rings since he's never seen one. Brady calls Ben an idiot and reminds him that he too has a Super Bowl ring. Polamalu feels better this week after coach Mike Tomlin assures him all week at practice that he's still pretty.

Game 14 vs. Dallas - Since America's Team is coming to town, the Rooneys have punter Daniel Sepulveda deported. The name just sounded to Spanish for them and they didn't want the Cowboys to think they hired illegals.

Game 15 @ Baltimore - Ray Lewis beats the crap out of Justin Hartwig after Hartwig repeatedly touches Lewis's crotch and asks to see his Baltimore Colt. Lewis gently reminds Hartwig that the Colts are in Indy.

Game 16 @ Tennessee - Thinking they are playing the Tennessee Volunteers, the Steelers decide wear Florida Gator uniforms. Unfortunately the tactic fails miserably when they show up in Knoxville instead of Nashville.

Game 17 vs. Cleveland - The team refuses to take the field when in protest of not having a bye week. Jerome Bettis comes out of retirement and plays defense, offense and special teams. The Steelers win on a last second 72 yard TD pass play that Bettis completes to himself. He calls the rest of the Steelers a bunch wimps. A chariot of fire descends the heavens to take Bettis away.



Top Ten Predictions for the NFL Season
1. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson get married. Tony agrees to change his last name to Simpson and later changes his first name to Jesse.
2. Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones beat the living day lights out of Mr. Simpson after the wedding.
3. Dallas goes 0-16 after Mr. Simpson breaks a nail. He also complains of bloating and cramps.
4. The Indianapolis Colts go undefeated only to lose the Super Bowl. Manning states after the game he's just trying to keep pace with Tom Brady.
5. Jacksonville announces relocation to Youngstown, OH for the 2009 season. Dave gets a Jaguar helmet for Christmas.
6. Mario Williams finally gets a hard, bone rattling hit on Vince Young. Young announces his retirement over the Reliant Stadium PA at half time.
7. Eli Manning tells Peyton Manning that he thinks Tom Brady is the better quarterback. Peyton starts crying and Archie Manning sends Eli to time out in the corner.
8. Al Davis insists that all Raider fans dressed like Darth Raider call him Emperor Palpatine.
9. Ravens and Colts ownership agree to change team names thus returning the Colt name to its rightful place in Baltimore.
10. Bob McNair buys the Oiler name back from Bud Adams returning the Oiler name back to Houston. Adams changes the name of the Titans to the Tennessee Texans.